As an avid reader, I have long been mentored by a wide variety of texts. Despite the hardships I faced as a child, after leaving the cult I pressed onward toward growth, pursued healing, and persevered through the effects of the past in order to become the person I am today. A list of the books that were a huge catalyst for that growth is coming soon!
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Today I left a little bit of food on my plate as an act of faith. 🕊
There will be more food later, after all. 🍔🥤🍟
And tomorrow.
And next week.
And next month.
And so on...
Well, 2020 has exposed some things allowing me to see them clearly for what they are.
I have 20/20 vision about them now.
I can clearly see the hives on my body, along with you and the rest of the world. What I understand the hives to be, or what they have come to represent to me, is that I’m terrified of not being in control.
The illusion that I have had any control has been completely shattered.
This need for an illusion of control is a learned pattern of behavior that developed, from infancy, because my very real needs were not met properly by my mother and father (the family of origin that I was born into).
Part of the issue is my current inability to hold a larger view in mind. To see the bigger picture.
Or, more accurately put, to see the correct (real, true) bigger picture, and keep it in mind when doing other things and not keeping my focus on it.
I can see it only briefly.
The real problem is that I have the incorrect (the old, the lie, the illusion, the distorted) picture in mind, even when I’m doing other things.
Object Permanence is a skill learned in infancy.
I learned a pattern, or a habit, of seeing the world through a lens that verified to me the reality that my very real needs would not be met. This became the broader picture that was permanently in my view.
Then, later, because I believed that my needs wouldn’t be met (historically speaking I was right) I learned how to manipulate and exploit my environment, and the people in it, to ensure that my needs would be met. This is the old, broader picture view.
That broader picture became permanent, and continued on, even after a new picture began to develop, and come into view. One that showed my needs being met in real, tangible ways. This was when I was born (again) into my current, spiritual family. The one where Good Fathers and Good Mothers actually take care of their children’s needs.
My attention was already trained to focus on and became fixed on the old picture.
The new picture (that my needs will be met) only comes into focus briefly, when I am able to see clearly, plainly, and without any other evidence to the contrary in my line of sight, which only happens on occasion.
As soon as I turn away, or something else comes into focus, I lose sight of the new picture. There is no “object permanence” with the new, only with the old.
Surrendering to this new picture, this new reality, one where I understand that my very real needs will be met consistently, was something that I chose to do when all the other options available to me were not viable, workable solutions to the problem.
Me trying my best, my hardest, to manipulate and change the world around me (instead of focusing on what I can actually control — myself) no longer works for me. It’s an inefficient and ineffective way to live my life.
In other words, as Larry Eisenberg put it, I have resigned, for my own peace of mind, my position as the general manager of the universe.
I’m done trying to keep the world spinning on its axis and all the plates from falling to the ground.
All the plates have fallen and my worst nightmare (that I am not in control of the universe, mine specifically) has come true. This is evidenced by this case of chronic hives I’ve been experiencing since the beginning of June.
I am now learning, like a small child, an infant even, how to keep the new, broader picture in mind. This is a more effective way to live.
What do I actually have control of?
Myself.
My lot in life.
What is actually mine.
What I have been given to steward.
Things like:
My body.
My home.
My car.
My work.
My energy.
My time.
My efforts.
Keeping my focus on these things only, and drawing firm boundaries around what is actually mine to attend to, is an effective way to run my own life.
Not being worried or concerned in the least way about what others may choose to do (until it actually involves me — which, when I stop meddling in the affairs of others and mind my own business, actually happens a lot less) gives me more peace of mind.
This allows me to better focus on the new picture.
The one where I actually believe my needs will be met, in a timely manner, and in ways that I had very little to do with, besides doing my daily work and accomplishing the small tasks which I have already been equipped and provisioned to do.
In other words, if I’m not equipped and provisioned to do it, it’s not actually my work to do for today.
I think I can actually live a really good life this way, even if the hives that appear on my body daily never go away.
Good health is given and good health is (sometimes) taken away. I will not charge God with wrongdoing.
The wrongdoing came from the evil perpetrated by my father and mother, and my original family of origin.
My body, in the form of hives, is just telling me the truth, revealing the truth, allowing me to see with clear, 20/20 vision, how things really are, and this really is such good news for me!
2020 literally wrung (squeezed, forced out from internal pressure, or extracted) the lie (represented by the hives that resulted from the shattering of the old view, the old picture) out of me.
The new way, the new picture, is all that is left. It came to me and is now in full focus, in full view, because I have a Good Father. One who truly takes care of me, His Beloved Daughter, and meets all my needs.
I am like a sheep that has a Good Shepherd.
I lack no good thing. All my needs are currently met. I’m well-fed, clothed, and housed in this very moment where I’m taking this breath. That is enough.
I’m experiencing all the provision I need to do my work with gladness, peace, and joy overflowing, in spite of my health that is less than ideal.
This, too, will take care of itself, in time.
Either in this life, or the one to come.
Either way, I can and I will live my life in the kind of peace that passes all human understanding. The kind of peace that is possible, even in 2020.
Actually, the kind of peace that became possible only because of 2020.
I'm preaching at my church this morning and invite you to join me by watching online! ✝️
I'm excited to share. 🤗
And if you watch, I'd love to hear about anything I say that resonates with you. 👂
Happy Birthday, to my son, Jacob! 🎉
Jacob is the father of my precious grandchild.
I’m sure he won’t mind me showing you this video (instead of a photo of him).
River was enjoying my grown up children’s traditionally requested birthday treat:
♥️ Oreo Cookie Pie ♥️
Sometimes FB doesn’t show you my posts from my author page, even if you are Following my page. 🤷🏼♀️
This one includes an update of sorts about a few things you may have been wondering about.♥️Hello friends!
🤫I’ve been in a quiet season. Not intentionally, it’s just what it became over time.
I didn’t even realize it until I recognized that I didn’t have the tug I normally felt towards the usual things I felt tugged by.
I wondered how badly this would hurt my social media presence by affecting the algorithms — because not posting consistently does affect them. These are things I tell my coaching clients when they are actively seeking to grow their audience so they can reach and serve more people with their message.
Turns out what was, and still is, going on inside me is way more important than keeping up with my social media accounts. (The exception being the work that I love that is a privilege to do, and heavily involves social media.)
😭Experiencing chronic hives has a way of getting your attention and causing you to refocus. My friend, @madlinmangrum, told me that “hives is the body weeping.”
💊 So, I am partnering with The Great Physician by submitting myself to, and following the guidance of specialists, including taking all prescribed and over-the-counter medications, along with several homeopathic remedies.
🔎I’m co-operating with, and paying close attention to, my body as it heals at an even deeper level.
✝️ I’ve surrendered so many aspects of my life to the care and control of The Good Shepherd truly knowing that I lack no good thing.
🆓Especially after finding out in the span of 24 hours, that my publisher (who had first right of refusal for my 2nd book) passed on it for all the right reasons, which I’ll not go into, and that my agent is no longer agenting.
✌🏼Even with all this happening, I am fully at peace on the inside.
🛌I’m resting a lot, per my therapist’s advice before my first session of EMDR.
🧠I’m thinking a lot, too.
📝 And journaling.
✍🏼 And still writing Book #2.
🧩And am playing with my granddaughter.
🖍 I’m using colored pencils in my quiet time.
🎹 I started playing the piano again, too, after remembering why I stopped. The piano tuner comes tomorrow, so that when I play it sounds like it’s supposed to.
📴And, I’ll continue breaking all my own social media rules as I heal, grow, and learn.
Love, Anna ♥️