It seems ironic that God would use some physical pain I was experiencing to teach me about WALKING IN FREEDOM, but that is exactly what He did yesterday. Here is what I wrote in my personal journal:
“Body, soul, and spirit are designed to experience pain as a signal that gets me to act differently in response to the pain that I am experiencing. Pain is a message that something isn’t right and needs to change. My usual response to pain is to compartmentalize it/deny it/avoid it and continue on…
By not allowing myself to experience the fullness of my pain I am depriving myself of experiencing the fullness of my joy as well. Limiting myself in one area limits me in other areas as well. I cannot selectively compartmentalize my emotions.
My ‘normal’ has been to brace myself against pain (mental, emotional, or physical) and bulldoze through it as though it weren’t happening at all.
Pretend. Deny. Internalize. Keep my chin up. Be strong for others. Minimize my needs. Make myself useful, indispensable even. Earn my keep. Earn my place. Whatever you do, Anna, just don’t become a problem. As you know, problems are eliminated. Just continue on as though you are okay, because you don’t want to be sent back to Denver.”
Ouch.
***The light bulb goes on***
I realized through the journaling process that I learned to take on the weight of the responsibility for other people’s problems that I was never intended to carry. I was carrying burdens for others that I was never intended to bear.
I did this because I felt like I needed to earn my place with the people that I lived with. If I wasn’t useful then I wasn’t needed.
I learned at a young age to push aside
pain
discomfort
tiredness
illness
distress
fear
sadness
and aloneness.
In other words, I learned to numb myself and PERFORM at all costs, to be USEFUL, even when it is to my own detriment.
Yesterday, that lie was uprooted. Here is what Holy Spirit said to me:
“Anna, I am going to work in the lives of others through you; not at your expense, BUT AT MINE.”
In other words, I don’t have to pay the price for the freedom of others. I can’t. The price for their freedom has already been paid in full…on the Cross.
The freedom that I have experienced and walk in was very costly to Him. The difference between me and others is that I have pressed in and availed myself of the freedom that Jesus died on the Cross to provide for me. It’s available to all who ask, seek, and knock for themselves. Too often I have found myself asking, seeking, and knocking on behalf of others. I was doing the work for them that they should have been doing for themselves. I was working harder on their problem than they were, as Danny Silk says. I was expending myself in a way that did not allow them to expend themselves in this process. What I was doing was actually not very helpful, even though my intentions were entirely pure (though selfishly motivated…ouch!).
The price for freedom has been paid. Jesus paid it all. It is at His Expense that people are saved, healed, set free and made whole. Freedom, just like Salvation, is a gift that must be received in order to be experienced. Those who are not free are in a prison that is locked from the inside, and the key is inside the prison with them. Nobody else can open the cell door for them. They have to want to be free. Sure, I could bust them out of prison from the outside, but that won’t help them stay free. They will only be imprisoned again because they didn’t learn how to stay free.
Two of my favorite Bob Hamp quotes are:
“Freedom isn’t the absence of something. Freedom is the presence of someOne.”
“Freedom is becoming the person that you were created and redeemed to be.”
Paul said to the Corinthians, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
The key to uprooting the lies, unlocking the prison doors, and to being set free is His Presence.
This is great. I can really identify. Thank you.
When I am spilling my guts it's always a little scary. Knowing I'm not alone is comforting. Thanks for letting me know we're in this messiness together! 🙂
Awesome post! This is what the journey of freedom is all about. So good!
Leah! I love your feedback. It let's me know I'm on the right track!
Anna, thank you for your illuminating post and your transparency! You are definitely on the right pathway!
I'm honored to have you as a reader. Being transparent often leaves me "breathless" wondering if I'm saying too much…but the feedback I get (like yours) tells me otherwise.
While my upbringing was a different set of circumstances, I grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional home. How I survived and functioned was exactly how you described. It affected my adult years, and I made harmful choices because I didn't know that I had the freedom to choose otherwise. It took me 41 years to get there, but I'm there now. Still learning, still working at breaking that pattern, but making progress. Understanding that God has allowed so much more for me, than I ever allowed for myself.
RayLene, I know enough of your story to "hear you" loud and clear. We are all still learning. Tuning in to hear His Voice is the key for me. It's only been in the past few years that I've known that I can hear His Voice and know it's Him speaking to my heart.
So glad for freedom that can only be found in Him. So many times the bars we find ourselves in seem impenetrable, but He is the key to each and every cell!
Hello my new friend and fellow sister of #The4500!
Oh Anna,
Where to start…First, I loved reading this post, I find myself completely undone at the sight of God's redeeming, gracious, and incomprehensible love. Every time, every moment of our journey we share raises the veil of truth that shares a glimpse of what that FREEDOM looks like. This life is so the dressing room for eternity. This is the exact kind of love and untangling I love. The kind where God takes the mess we have made and makes our crooked ways straight. Like the parent that places their hand on the child's shoulder and says, you don't have to try to earn my love, because my love is already yours. I loved when you wrote, "selfishly motivated…ouch!" Isn't it true…we think we are martyrs because of how we "selflessly" serve at the great cost of losing our identity. Truth is people cannot take/steal our identity, shame robs us of our identity. Whether it is thrust upon us or self-loathing, we ultimately have to make the choice to embrace the lie that says, "I am not enough". BUT GOD, but God says, come as you are, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and it is because of Him that I am greatly loved, set apart, chosen for such a time as this. *standing on a chair, shouting at the top of my lungs, YES, GOD! Second….I'm still chewing!!!
Jessica, believe me…I'm still chewing, too!!!